Hello, World! I haven't written any posts in awhile. I've been meaning to, but the bar of difficulty was too high.
Too high
Writing a post takes a lot of time, of work, and outofyou. I don't have any of those in abundance right now. I don't have time because I'm mortal; I don't have work because I'm unemployed; I don't have outofyou because that's not a word.
Anyway, when the bar is difficulty is too high, you should lower it
Unless you're playing limbo.
For fledgling writers like me, there are three forces that can lower the bar. The first is gravity. Unfortunately, gravity is controlled exclusively by God, so I can't use it to lower the bar of difficulty for writing an internet blog post (actually fortunately, because you want gravity in good hands and God's a good guy).
God controlling gravity (Photo Credit: S. Veronica)
The second force that can lower the bar of difficulty for writing an internet blog post is pictures. The exchange rate for pictures to words is a steady 1PIC/1,000WRD, so you're a fool to not take advantage of that.
Me, a fledgling writer. Not a fool.
The third force is listicles. Just write a listicle. The fourth force is "write what you know."
Wait, there's a fourth force? Yep. I withheld that information to surprise you.
(surprise is the fifth force)
- - - - - - - -- - - - -- - - -- ------ STRONG LINE BREAK I TYPED MYSELF -- - -- ------ can u tell?
Listicle about "what I know"
I'm a stay-at-home-mom, except I'm a dad and I don't stay at home. I go places with my son. Usually in the jogging stroller, usually in the morning, usually every day. On the way home, my son usually falls asleep because the footmuff -- unlike "outofyou", that's actually a word -- is so cozy in the winter. I don't want to interrupt his nap, so I carry him from the stroller to his bed. This is a protocol of what I do.
Winter Stroller Nap Transfer
1. If I suspect a nap is coming, I check every 5 minutes or so to check if my son is asleep.
2. If he is asleep, I start the chrono-counter on my watch. I like to know how long he's been asleep. Using my watch eliminates guesswork.
3. If I don't have a pacifier with me, I text my wife (who works from home) and ask her to leave a pacifier in the garage.
4. I arrive home, open the garage door, and park the stroller (with my son still in it) in the garage. I lock the stroller wheels.
5. I walk to the door to our building, unlock it and open it (so that I can enter the building while carrying my son with both arms).
6. I walk back to the stroller in the garage and make sure the pacifier is ready and within arm's reach. During the next few steps, if at any time my son shows signs of discomfort or waking up, I offer him the pacifier, which usually "defuses" any fussing.
7. I unzip the footmuff. I untie my shoes and stick the laces (if applicable) inside the shoe. (I don't like walking into his room with my outside shoes on, but if I'm carrying him, I don't have my hands to untie my shoes. If they're already untied, I can step with one foot on the other heel to pull them off).
8. I reach underneath his comfort blanket and unlock the waist belt and both shoulder straps (five-point-harness). I slide the shoulder straps off his body.
9. I unzip his jacket. If he's wearing mittens, I loosen the wrist straps. If he's wearing shoes, I undo the velcro straps. If his hat has a strap, I undo it. I don't remove any of these items yet. (it's easiest to do all of this when he's comfortably sitting in the stroller. But I don't want the shock of cold air on any exposed body surface to wake him, so I leave all these clothing articles on him until I'm inside).
10. I reposition his comfort blanket if necessary so that it's wrapped around him nicely.
11. I take my son -- wrapped in his comfort blanket -- out of the stroller. My preferred technique is to slide one hand behind his back and the other under his legs. Before lifting, I position my chest close to his. In this way, I'm lifting him with my torso more than my arms, which feels smoother and probably cozier for him (because he's pressed against my chest).
12. I carry my son into our building. I use my shoulder to close the door behind me.
13. I go up the stairs to the landing in front of our apartment. I take my shoes off using my feet. I briefly hold him with one arm while I open the door to our apartment with the other.
14. I enter my son's room. If there is stuff on his bed that can be removed with the swipe of a foot, I do that.
15. I lower my son onto his bed. I remove his hat, mittens, jacket and shoes (usually in that order). I usually don't remove the jacket all the way, I just pull off one sleeve and the main body (leaving one sleeve still on). The important thing is that the torso is removed so he doesn't overheat.
16. I cover my son with a non-special blanket and turn on some white noise or other background audio.
17. I put away his hat, mittens, jacket and shoes. I inform my wife that "the eagle has landed."
18. If I have groceries or other cargo in the stroller, I return to the garage -- with a giant IKEA cargo bag --to retrieve the stuff, but not after waiting 1-2 minutes near my son's bed to make sure the transfer was successful.
19. I close the garage door and lock the building door behind me.
20. I do something that I want to do, but that doesn't really involve Otto (if it involves cooking or baking something that could produce excessive steam or smoke, I close the door to his room completely so it doesn't set off the very sensitive smoke detector in there). That's it.
PS. Since writing this article, the success of this method has dropped. Maybe I jinxed it by writing this article. Or maybe I wrote it just in time, while all these details are still fresh in my brain. The temperature is well below freezing the rest of the week, so we won't be going outside for awhile. And by the time we do, there'll be another little baby in our family, so maybe the whole system will change.
Well, my son
We've had a good run
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